White People Healing from Whiteness affirmation of the day: other people are not empty vessels for my narratives and expectations about them.
Any suggestions I have about the meaning of their situation and therefore what they need to do should be just that; a suggestion. Offered to them, informed by their feedback, revised. ... And only if I know them and/or they are soliciting my perspective.
There's more than one way to do things right- if *we personally* would feel a certain way doing something, doesn't mean that holds for other people. Just because we would feel like "dependent loser" or a "lazy person" or like I "gave up" or "made excuses" if we admitted we had lots of help to be successful, or that our priorities were on people and creative healing and not profit and efficiency, that our past pain is still present in an important way, or that we set our minds to something and tried hard but still hit too many barriers, doesn't mean that applies to everyone who does these things.
This ALSO applies to making them heroes in our myths: "I'm proud of you," "I'm impressed" is often us being patronizing, because of our preconceived notions of their struggle, and often the implications that they are "exceptions" to the rule of Black powerlessness or failure, and conform to our white myth of self reliant individualism: "Good job! You did it without relying on anyone!" "Like a boss!". People need to tell us their own stories from their own frame of reference, and invite us to participate in them before we automatically praise-
or blame-
Black people won't truly be free until we white people stop insisting they live inside the world of our narratives and expectations. They can and do tell their own story, and might operate differently
and different isn't bad
our own narratives are critiqueable, and our expectations are not universal standards.
My "I just want you to be happy/successful" is not an excuse to stop "drinking water and minding my own business."