Do we need a parallel "Me Too" movement where we identify with the men who are abusing?
I think it's about time to say "Time's Up" on the silence around sexual abuse, and break the wall of mistrusting women, and I really don't think the oppressed hating the oppressor is bad *unless* the oppressed construct an ideology that mimics the oppressor. For instance, shaming just replicates the myth of individualism. Aziz Ansari, who was accused of pressuring a woman to have sex, should not be shamed and written off. Even Harvey Weinstein - because any man (and woman!) could have been Harvey Weinstein if they were tempted with that amount of wealth and power, because we've all been conditioned by society to think that we men can get whatever we want, and that people with power are unaccountable.
Making Weinstein a scapegoat prevents all of us from looking at ourselves and seeing that, Me Too, I have an inner Weinstein, I have an inner rapist, I have an inner sexist, I can imagine that under the right circumstances I could have been/still can be capable of *anything*. And I need to treat this like an addict in 12-step treats their addiction: realize the urge in me to exploit someone because they are vulnerable is always there and not going to go away, that there is a selfish single-minded part of me liable to ignore body language that says "I'm uncomfortable," or a part of me that says "I always need to finish what I start" that would blind me to a look of "I'm tired," that is willing to pressure someone to give me what I want. This is a part of me, and while I cannot be "cured" of my bad me, I have to hold it responsible. I have to work on knowing my triggers, to talk to other men in recovery who can call me on my bullshit rationalizations, who won't shame me while doing it.
Making Weinstein a scapegoat prevents all of us from looking at ourselves and seeing that, Me Too, I have an inner Weinstein, I have an inner rapist, I have an inner sexist, I can imagine that under the right circumstances I could have been/still can be capable of *anything*. And I need to treat this like an addict in 12-step treats their addiction: realize the urge in me to exploit someone because they are vulnerable is always there and not going to go away, that there is a selfish single-minded part of me liable to ignore body language that says "I'm uncomfortable," or a part of me that says "I always need to finish what I start" that would blind me to a look of "I'm tired," that is willing to pressure someone to give me what I want. This is a part of me, and while I cannot be "cured" of my bad me, I have to hold it responsible. I have to work on knowing my triggers, to talk to other men in recovery who can call me on my bullshit rationalizations, who won't shame me while doing it.
When the woman, hurt and angry that Ansari was ignoring that she did not want to go that far sexually, shouted "you're just like all the other men!", there we can unpack that in one of two ways: yes, and yes. Yes, all men are conditioned to think like he did, and that's unacceptable for men to act on. And yes, it's possible she was trying to shame him by saying that, but he could, and for the love of all that is good, *all* men should take it another way: as a charge, as a call to action: men's self-help groups to recover from toxic masculinity.
What I'm saying is that self-righteousness is worse than hate. I don't think it's possible to both shame someone and hold them accountable at the same time. When you hold someone accountable, you say, "there's a problem with your behavior, it's a pattern. And it's part of a larger problem in this world. You need to work on your problem, and we as a society need to work on the larger problem."
When you shame someone, however, you say, "you *are* a problem." Therefore there's nothing you need to do, to work on yourself and change, you just need to go away, because you are toxic and everything you touch is corrupted.
All the studies show that shame is related to eating disorders, bullying and aggression, depression, domestic violence, addiction, suicide, and incarceration. Guilt is inversely related, meaning the more guilt, the less of those things. Because unlike guilt, which looks at behavior, shame looks at the person and the fact "there's something wrong with them," they are "alien." That destroys agency, and it pinpoints the problem with individual actors (people, agencies) and thus stops short of realizing that society's problem deserves ultimate blame. It replicates the myth of individualism.
Weinstein didn't invent what he did - it's as old as King David in the Bible - he had tens of thousands of years of history backing him up, putting the gun in his hand and asking him to pull the trigger. I'd be more surprised if people like Trump and Weinstein *didn't* exist. We all need to see ourselves as compromised by the same system which created these people - that they are not monsters, or, they are acting on the same monsters inside of us all.
